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Singlets and plurals,
Friends, Romans, Country Men…

This blog is shutting down.

City Coyote is tired and can only run one blog right now. I don’t really need a system blog at the moment because, frankly, I’m fucking tired of keeping my shit separate. I am who I am. I’m a person who happens to be a multiple and my real blog (where I can be both a person and a multiple) is here. 

See you there.

I got into two colleges. 

I can’t remember anything I learned about the piano. 

I’m feeling really unnerved and uncomfortable right now. I know I’ll probably be dissociating soon. I can already feel someone else taking over. Like parts of my body are disconnecting and floating off. 

Ah. I don’t want to do this right now. 

Abreaction is a bitch. 

Right, so…I’m one of the few multiple I know of that actually wants to integrate. No offense to those who don’t, but I do. I feel like I’ve been a burden to my family and friends my whole life and I want my whole life back. 

So I do a lot of therapy work. At first it was with a therapist but, now I can’t actually afford professional help so I do my best on my own. It gets difficult sometimes because I don’t have a mediator between myself and the alters and we aren’t stunningly good at communicating. I try to make it work through journaling, time to myself, and keeping away from triggers (but who can avoid them all?). 

My most recent attempt at exploring my multiplicity has been taking up piano and art. One of my alters always leaves drawings in my journals, so I went to the store and picked up a sketchbook and some pencils. When I got home, I started drawing. I can remember bits and pieces of the actual drawing process; but suddenly, I looked up and I had drawings. Actual, good drawings that I don’t think I’m capable of doing on my own. However, they don’t really look like the drawings I’ve previously found in my journals. 

Then there’s the piano. I practice every day. Always religious music. Not because I like it or because I’m religious; but because a) I’m familiar with the songs, so it’s easier for me to know if I’m playing them correctly and b) I have several alters with religious affinities. When I’m playing the piano, I am always aware of what I’m doing; but sometimes I’m coconscious. At those times I play much better than I can on my own. Then, when my headmate scampers off, I realize I have no idea what note comes next. 

No, I know that’s no closer to integration, but I definitely feel like it’s a step in the right direction. I may not be getting better, but I’m getting more organized. 

Sick. And feeling more mentally ill than usual. 

So…I overheard my friend saying, “I asking *Alice to coordinate my wedding. I think she can handle it. If not, I’m sure one of her alters can.” 

And…I actually smiled. It’s been a long time since I had a friend who 1) understood what DID was, 2) wasn’t afraid of it, 3) treated me like a normal person despite it. 

She is one of the most wonderful, strong women I know. The fact that she has so much faith in me gives me more faith in myself. She encourages me every day to live my life…without worrying about my disorder. I was so scared to at first, but I’ve gotten better at it. Sometimes I switch. But sometimes I don’t.

And, when I don’t, I experience beautiful things. 

I normally wouldn’t do this, but I’ve been losing a lot of time recently and I won’t remember to do this if I don’t do it now. My brain is a little messy at the moment, so I’ve left a few blank and will come back to them later.

21. Tell me about your ideas on integration and separateness. How does it affect your worldview?

I want to integrate someday. I don’t know about the rest of the world. That’s up to them.

22. Does anyone in your household/group lose time?

Yes.

23. Does your system as a whole deal with other kinds of neuroatypicality? Do individuals?

24. How are your memories stored (each person has her or his own/different people store different types/some are personal and some are shared by everyone/other/combination)? Who has access to memories (only the person there/only certain people/anyone they affected/need to know basis)?

I don’t know what the alters know. And I know very little about myself.

25. Is anyone’s identity tied to the body? How do people whose self-identification does not match the body deal with it? Does anyone in your group use the body’s birth certificate name?

My birthname isn’t the body’s name anymore. One of the alters changed the name during one of their dominant periods. So now…no one really identifies with the body, I guess. 

26. Do you have a group name? How did you get it?

I jokingly call myself Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

27. How are relationships handled in your group? Do you have in-system relationships? Out-of-system relationships? Is the body functionally asexual, monogamous, polyamorous or something else?

28. Do you celebrate any birthdays? The body’s? Individuals’?

Not anymore. But that is another story for another time.

29. Any advice for someone who is trying to figure out if they’re multiple, or for a new multiple just getting to know their system?